the void of words, but this time i am talking about my book

hello, i hope you drank water today. 

firstly, if you did not already know (which I do not expect you to), I've been writing my poetry collection since I was 13, hoping to make something out of it someday. I never really wrote it to, probably monetize it, I wrote because, well, I liked writing. I always wrote something hoping it would not be confined to my yellow journal pages or my phone's notes app.

The thought of actually publishing my dumb poems came to me last year in October-November when everything was probably going against my will. I remember that day when I sat staring at my laptop. My journal was by my side, and for some reason, I thought I should type out all my poems in a Google Document. I did that. I kinda got fixated with editing them, dividing them into categories, etc. And it was in December when I thought, "Hey, I could actually publish this stuff,"

Till January the idea sounded dumb. I didn't discuss with this anyone only because I did not want a second opinion to influence mine at that point in time. I had a lot of discussions with myself pertaining to how I should publish these when I am 21, or 25, to preserve my teen years or something along those lines. Surprisingly, I was also "concerned" with what my school batch mates would think of this (I know, I was quite dumb). But something inside me was always telling me to do this right now. So I worked on it, wrote more, wrote better stuff, learned so much more about poetry, etc while going through this process. And by the time it was March, I convinced myself enough to publish a paperback.

Publishing a paperback sounded very average initially. I tend to become the kind of person who does not get impressed easily. Trust me, that sucks because this "I-want-the-best" attitude only shows up when I decide to do something; like a project, creative work, etc. When it comes to others doing something for me, I tend to settle for less, sadly. 

Anyway, so I was saying, publishing a paperback sounded very average initially. But as I told it to my parents, family and some friends. I realized that it is quite a big deal. Many of my friends were deadass astonished and mindblown when they heard the news. My parents were quite impressed. But all this time, I thought to myself, "Saniya, chill, it's just a paperback," but sure as hell Saniya, it's JUST a physical copy of your brain's ideas and creativity, and maybe your "passion" (I put this in quotes because I swear to god, I don't know what my passion is) and people can read it, interpret it. They can read what you wrote. Is that a big deal? I guess we'll never know. 

But I got really excited when I saw my book's first official draft with my name written on it and on the copyright page. That is when I thought, "Hey, this looks so damn cool," 

So yes, this is what is really happening right now. Talking ABOUT my book, well. It's a poetry collection. It's pretty teenager-y to be honest. I didn't write about nature, life-changing philosophies, or social issues. I wrote about heartbreak, loneliness, directionlessness, and feelings. But I promise it's not that SAD. The last chapter is quite a cheerful one, it's the one beam of light. 

I have chapters in my book, namely:

1. slow catastrophe: this chapter is quite depressing, speaking frankly. i wanted the book to start with a rush of emotions and something like "too-much-too-handle". Here, I talk about directionlessness, my ~fears~, feeling stuck, loneliness and melancholy. 

2. lost and found: this one, well, is my "rose-colored glasses" era. To be put in better words, just me crushing on guys, but in a poetic way. I think it's pretty cute. Also, by "lost and found" I mean feelings. Feelings are lost and found. Like, in the lost and found section in schools and stuff. 

3. october was my favorite month: i call this chapter, my very own Olivia Rodrigo move. HAHAH. No really but jokes aside. Heartbreak is bad. I write about asking for closure, anxiety, feeling used, and expectations here. Also, by heartbreak, I don't mean your typical American high school rom-com heartbreak. I mean heartbreak by anyone. Not necessarily by the person you romantically liked. Even your friends or family.  The reason I named this chapter "october was my favorite month" is because, number one, October IS my favorite month. Number two, I wanted to sound ~mysterious~ (jokes). Number three, because I personally feel that heartbreak can make you hate the things you liked, you know. Number four, and the most relevant reason, is because last year October was just so damn, depressing.

4. half-hearted: This chapter is NOT about moving on. Honestly, what even is moving on? Anyway, I'd like to describe this chapter as something in the middle of heartbreak and moving on (hence, HALF hearted). You realize that shit is not THAT bad. You also immaturely victimize yourself here. (JOKES!!) But it's about time, old friends, old people and old memories that enter your mind once a while and you shit hate it. (I hope you realize these chapter descriptions are extremely casual!)

5. december remember: my PERSONAL favorite and the last chapter. Dear, December Remember. Here I talk about nice people I've met, stuff I've realized, feeling like the main character, sunshine, cats, happy stuff, and FEELING good, in general. But, why "december remember" you may wonder. December is my birthday month, a winter month and also the last month of the year. I personally prefer winters over summers. By december remember I mean that, when stuff goes really down bad, you always have something to look forward to. In this case, it's my birthday, winter and also the end of a year. Or in the book's context, it's the better stuff in life. It's symbolic to how the worst thing also come to an end on a good note. 

Now, what do I mean by "A Void Of Words"? This title did not come to me instantly, it was always like everyday I realized what the book is about and draw dots to connect a singular idea the book had, which is *drum-roll*, having a void! 

Now if you haven't read my earlier void post, (it's pretty good you should read it) it talks about exactly what the book is about. It's about filling an empty space inside our minds because we don't feel whole within ourselves. The creation of this hypothetical void stems from the "lack" of something. The whole point is to understand that the "lack" is unnecessary. You may ask, how do I fill this void? Well, so many ways. Get a temporary (but call them serious) romantic partner who will remind you every day that you're wanted (because you can't tell yourself that), make new friends and go out with them (because you wish to distract yourself from the hollowness inside you), don't consider sitting with yourself (because you're too scared you'll be consumed by your own thoughts), look at your phone screen for hours and consume 3 media types at once (to avoid the chance of a single thought stemming in your brain).

Okay, I may have called you out here (I called out myself). But this void is just a lack. A hollow feeling. An empty space. An uncomfortably silent area. A villanized vacuum like the space. A black hole like blankness. An abandoned jingle of nothingness. A blank. Which is hypothetical. I am telling you this. Because I've been there. Done that. Realized stuff, and come BACK. 

This is what the book is about. Or at least this is what I mean by the title.

I hope you read it. This is also my first paperback. So consider buying it on Amazon and at more places. And mail me your feedback: saniyasethi2002@outlook.com and also review my book on Amazon for good karma.

Thank you

for everything

in general

very grateful

and

senti right now

my book releases during the month of May. I will update the date as it gets decided.