the void that feels heavy

There couldn't be a more depressing title to this already depressing post. 

Okay, so where do I even start?! Yesterday evening was the most boring evening of my life. At around 6, I sat with my entire family and we thought of watching something on Netflix. We then took 2 hours to decide what to watch. We then switched to Prime Video to watch a South- Indian dubbed film which talks about this social activist guy. It was VERY boring. Thankfully, at that very moment my dear friend called me to talk about her experience at an awkward party.

After a good 45 minutes, I was tired of speaking (I know, very unlikely of me, also spare me, I am sick), and it was time to watch the worst film on this planet. Thankfully, (again!) my friends on our group chat started talking about music. The conversation took it's turn swiftly and landed on us briefly talking about emptiness. And that is when my dumb philosophical mind word-vomited:

a void that feels heavy

This blog post is a result of that boring evening and the fact that this phrase/sentence is an amazing prompt. But jokes aside, it is very emotional. If you ask me, there are many ways this prompt can be written into and I decided to write it this way:

There is a pressure surrounding us to always do something. Always have something going on in our life.  The pressure of a "love life", the pressure of having a fixed schedule, the pressure of having something going at school, I don't know, something going on in our head, something going on in our "dramatic" life. Very unironically, we often greet people by asking what's going on. But when we having nothing going on, is that when we actually heavy? Maybe that emptiness is what molds into a rock due to the societal pressure of always having something going on. 

Spare me and allow me to take the example of the most glorified thing in Bollywood: relationships. Fortunately, I have never dated anyone. But as I am growing up, there is a stupid force telling me to date the most random dudes on this planet. But I don't want to date random dudes. I don't want to date any kind of dudes at the moment. The void which can only be filled by a "better-half" (god, I hate that word!) is aching as if someone left it scarred. But is it actually aching? Am I questioning my self-worth on the basis of the filling of the void? Am I creating this pressure around myself? What the hell am I thinking about?

There are times, when we feel vacant and then to fill that barren place we find someone who would occupy it. However, yet again, we feel the pressure to maintain that occupancy. If we fail to do so, that void creeps our thoughts at 3:47 AM, and we again question if it was you who could not maintain that the mutual agreement of telling each other 'I like you' called relationship. (the reason I did not write 'I love you' is because the meaning of love is deeply incomprehensible, but in the French language, the meaning of love and like is the same. It translates to just one word i.e. aime. You see what the English did there?) Coming back to the theme, if that "someone" treats us like we're a piece of garbage and then vacates the void, we not only feel heavy but we also feel like a doormat, because he/she walked all over us.

So is there any conclusion to this thing I just wrote? Yes. Whether your respective void is filled or if it isn't, in the end you will feel heavy and pressurized. This is because our brains dumb as hell and all they know is to how make us go down a spiral and stay there. Another reason can be how we are building walls around our ourselves to protect us from our feelings and other people's feelings. Which sucks. Actually, it's very very stupid how our generation will be the first one to be "uncomfortable" with their own thoughts. I'll leave as that thought lingers in your head.

if you liked reading this crappy write-up, then read another crappy write-up: living is a constant effort to put everything into equilibrium

By Saniya

P.S. #1: Remember when I said "the mutual agreement of saying 'i like you' to each other..." line. Yeah, that was inspired by a book (i can't recall the name of) wherein the girl tells the guy that "You don't need a girlfriend, you need a robot which will say 'I love you' to you every morning." Which is interesting, as it reminds us of how we sometimes date people to validate ourselves. We date them because we want to feel wanted by someone. So that was cool.

(P.S #2 Also, LMAO, remember when I said I had exams coming up? Well, they got postponed to a date which no one knows. Thanks to COVID (or maybe not thanks) I have another month until the exams. But good news for you guys, I'll still write shit which will keep you up at night or which will make you throw your phone away.)

Edit 1: I do not know why I addressed the "presence of a relationship" with the "filling of a void", i mean i was probably emotional. but just here to remind you that, no one in this world can "complete" you or "fulfill" you. you are a whole. these hypothetical voids are created in our heads or by society. the lack of romantic partners does not reflect your "emptiness" or the fact that you are incomplete. thanks. just wanted to put this here. conclusion: void does not exist. i think i contradicted myself. lol. bye