yikes, Comparison (and other things)

During 2021, if there's one thing which has helped me keep sane, it is writing. I write a lot in general. No, I am not trying to "brag". I am trying to convey a whole situation here. In retrospect, my writings are not that awesome. I have a blog because Saniya in 2017  thought it would be an fantastic idea to put out her poetry somewhere. She named it "Poesia Pallete" (if you were wondering: Poesia is Italian for poetry). But after a year or so, majority of my blog posts were shifting from poems about nature to write-ups about a dramatic teenager. Hence, the name "My Thought Traffic".

I try to put my best foot forward in writing, which is also the reason why I have a ton of drafts (thirty to be exact. Those are on my laptop, the physical writing pieces are flooding in my shelves). But, they are not wrong when they say there will always be people who are better than you. In my case, they are not necessarily better. They just write about things that matter. Actually, they write about things I think matter. My friends also have blogs. It's not that I am CoMpARiNg myself. But truly, that's exactly what I am doing. Let me just compare this blog to other blogs of people who have a totally different head and DNA than I do. Other blogs, well, write about things that matter. Here rises a question: do I write about things that don't matter? Let's see what I write about: heartbreak love poems (which is result of listening to my sad Spotify playlist for too long), a lot of formal journal entries but in a thoughtful manner, sad poems, write-ups on cute and sad prompts which make you question your existence, my stupid thoughts. Was that it? It indeed was. My Thought Traffic has its name for a reason. The reason is because here I write about my thoughts. Other blogs, don't necessarily stick to the same. I hope the blog owners are not reading this (I have a feeling they are) but let me take a RiSk: they write about the government, how chemistry is a subject that shouldn't be taught in schools, productive things they did during the lockdown, their experiences in life which help other people, their birthdays and their feelings on that day, and just stuff that matter you know. 

Their blogs are not the reason I am picking myself apart. In no way, I think that I am inferior or superior than them. Sometimes you just pick yourself apart because YOU think you are not worthy of all the comments and the views you're getting. You're not worthy of having whatever you have today. You're not worthy of all the privileges. Their blog post was an excuse and a tool for me to scrutinize myself. I know, that is wrong. Oh what? I should read all those Pinterest quotes which say, "You are worthy of what you have," and "You've worked so hard to get this far". A bad idea. I don't usually compare myself to people. I don't know what happened today. Ugh, I hope this doesn't make the rest of the week suck. I don't know if this requires a conclusion? I have just been in my head for too way long. But that doesn't give me a reason to examine myself like a pessimist. Actually, when they say "Be Positive" or "Good Vibes Only" what they actually mean is that only positivity should exist, which in fact has a term for itself: Toxic Positivity. But let's just leave that for another blog post.

That's on comparison. (yes, that was it, because I don't compare myself usually and this post is starting to look like a self-depreciation post (It was not one, please).

On another note. Something which I wanted to address. This is a pattern now, and now I am concerned. The first time I ever wrote a heartbreak poem and put it here. It got so many views. It was endorphin releasing at that time but now it really just concerns me. 

The first time heartbreak was quite raw and real, if I were honest, I'd say it was bad. I wrote a set of five poems and put them out every week because I over-share on here. The views just kept increasing. The human who had a significant contribution in breaking the one heart I have, he was in fact still speaking to me, despite of the fact that we had an argument. He told me he shared those blog posts with his friends to show them what I write about HIM (??????). Which was one of the reasons the poems got many views. I was mad. You can't just be the homo sapien to hurt me and then share my blog posts with your friends. They were not about HIM, they were about ME. Anyway, that chapter has been closed and done. (I don't really care, it actually is a good incident to laugh on now). So I wrote on/off sad stuff here and there, and I have noticed that it gets a significantly good number of views. Not all sad stuff I write is related to my life, or is real. Sometimes I read sad books and dwell in them. Recently, I posted a heartbreak poem (it has now been removed), I wrote it because of significant reasons. But the views just shot up. (Not because anyone shared it, mind you) Whenever, I write sad stuff, the views always shoot up. I know it's good for the statistics. But, why are people enjoying sad stuff? Is there so much melancholy on this planet? If I write every time I get sad, I'd have a million views. But those million views are million people reading depressing poems. I refrain from writing downhearted and sorrowful content, but it just gets so much views? Are people just pretending all the time? If that is so, I really don't wish to grow up! When people who are happy for an entire day read sad stuff at night or whatever and then enjoy/relate to it. It might show that there's something in our head but we don't identify it. This is kind of a concern, which might multiply as people consume depressing content. Happy content might (MIGHT) disappear in future. But that pandemic is way (WAYYY) too far. Let's just be in the moment for now? Or at least, try? Phew

SEE YOU SOON!

also read: cookie jar, a poem