dark chaos

My realm of reality for the past two months has been chaos. the chaos which does not flutter, bright and color. it's chaos which is a sad version of a disco. a lonely yet loud experience that aches your head. excruciating pain. I am chasing a "Something" I don't understand. Every bit of my life showcases my weakness and tells me to "chase". It's almost like a friend telling me to find a "hobby". I have hobbies and passions. But to find a hobby is actually different from enjoying the hobby. I can't argue for long, I already have arguments I am losing in my head. My mind hurts from carrying on a heavy conversation. Bright colors hurt my eyes. 

It feels good to sleep most of the time, even in the afternoons. Avoiding social interaction makes me believe I'll feel better because human voices feel painful to hear. Conversations feel heavy. I can't be malls and markets it gets too loud. I want to be home. In my room, in my blue and warm room. A place I decorated with fairy lights and books. It feels like a safe haven. A safer place at night when people sleep and no one can talk to me. I write, rest, and close my eyes to dream about alternate realities. I imagine dreamy scenarios of pink pastels and powder blue. I become a thinker over the night and an over-thinker during the day. I become anxious during the day and calmer as the sun sets. I can't deal with interactions after 12 a.m. I feel too lethargic.

This chaos is chaos unlucky. It's a burning pain of fear. It's the predictions of liars. It's lies disguised in truth and love. It is a gun on my head. It's black tears of hate. It's all lies. The truth is too calm. I could chase the calm. 

Update after 48 hours: I am just sick and moving back to college.