Free But Trapped

it's a rant. 

Morally speaking, I have to be home by 7pm. Morally speaking, I can't step out of my hostel premises after 8:30pm. Morally speaking, 10pm car rides with friends for "leisure" are a myth. I don't want to be answerable to the authorities in my life without fearing a lecture on academics and society. 

I don't know how to meet people I can't. I can't because I am just not supposed to? What will I do meeting someone I care about, someone I long for. Utmost attention is brought to all my flaws and mishappenings that I often forget about, but what about when I was actually how they wanted me to be?

I am free to choose, free to love. I am trapped to commit, too trapped to escape. I feel remorse for the fact that maybe this is how it is going to be. Villains, victims, and heroes of my life are behaving to the extreme. I don't know what to do. I feel helpless. I want to escape the matrix of authority. I don't want to listen to lectures about my safety anymore. I can't go on a trip with my friends, maybe because I am too fragile to make decisions.

I am a 20-year-old living the life of a helplessly trapped but free girl who just wants to eat pasta at a restaurant at 10pm with her friends and laugh about classes in college. 

Why do I need "permission"? How am I pseudo-independently living in college if I am drowning in a sea of endless permissions, calls, and anxiety before I step out? How much do I have to wait before I can DO WHATEVER I WANT? Why is it getting more complicated every day? I am afraid I will live in a romance with a restriction in terms of meetings, local boundaries, and geography.