what after chaos/calm?

Spoiler Alert: incomplete thoughts(!!)

I am surprised that I often only open this blog when I am at my lowest. rock bottom. one of those days? well, yes. (let's pretend I did not write that)

let me just come back to a life update, my college has begun (it began back in September), and two months, later I witness a somewhat depressed version of myself at 12:34am writing my heart out, with my biology midterm tomorrow. FUN time (sarcastically). my first exam cycle in college could be better. It is not looking good. Not academically, mentally, emotionally, socially, or physically. 4 exams down, and 2 more to go. I am already destroyed, dismantled, and exhausted. everything is NOT falling into place. nothing to look forward to.very melancholic.

and if you could do anything to make it better (except for reading this) tell me that life is beautiful, everything is gonna be alright, or (brownie points) make me laugh.

college is just a live simulation of how life will be but on a small scale. you witness responsibilities, no one giving a shit, crying, washing clothes, waking up on time, sleeping late, wasting free time hanging out pointlessly, no productivity, competition, jealousy, insecurity and SO much more all at once. It’s exhausting and overwhelming.

I mean, I am in a very weird state right now. The problem is: I am exactly where I wanted to be. I've been wanting to be in this state for almost all my school years. I was rooting to be in college, be independent and live on my own. But just because you achieve something, you've always wanted does not mean you will be happy in that state. I am witnessing this in real-time. Let me tell you, it's scary. REALLY. SCARY. 

It makes me think of all those times when I've planned things and achieved them. But simply never felt happy, content, satisfied, or fulfilled. This feels like I am facing a 30-year-old man's crisis at the ripe age of 20. 

The best/worst part of my situation is that I am okay with just being this way. If everything was just this way, I would be fine. I don't want things to go better, worst, or anything. This makes me want to be personally, socially, and emotionally developed but not change things externally. I am letting things be. Mostly.

I do not know if all these loud-honking thoughts are the products of a lot of stress, seasonal fever, exams, and/or melancholy. All I know is this is what I am thinking and this is (hopefully) not how things will go forward. Things always get better. One thing I've learned in the past few months is things always get better. Only if you give them time. I've learned to give things time like never before. I've become so calm and patient. My senses allow me to rest and not rush, and I think that's beautiful. I call myself chaos, but it also feels good to say that in a weird way, I am becoming a calmer version of myself without losing my spontaneity and essence. That's how I'd like to grow for the rest of my life, I think.

ANYWAY, My Thought Traffic is becoming deeper (and less frequent with every post).

Currently, looking forward to my 20th birthday, a seriously awaited well-done affair in shades of burgundy.

signing off,

saniya

also, guys, I am posting this after 2 weeks of writing these things are much better, and great. (exams got over)