monsoon thoughts: decisions, instagram, everything

hello

this is a sweet, little, check-in post.

firstly, yes, I released my own book, here's the link

secondly, I think it's high time I tell my "blog readers" that I have a legit podcast on the internet. It is also, like this blog, called My Thought Traffic (available on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, and almost everywhere you listen to podcasts).

talking about my traffic,

I have been questioning many of my decisions lately, and quite literally, my feelings after a decision. it is difficult to differentiate it from being an apprehensive thought rush or my trusted intuition. 

next, due to personal reasons (i am not going to disclose the reason) but I know that I am going to feel "lacking", "empty", or "hollow" for the next few days. the reason for my low energy is a tiny little messy wool ball like chaos, and like always, I will figure it out. 

sometimes, I think it's important to simply sit with yourself and to just ask yourself questions, also to engage yourself with yourself (no matter how cringe) I am going to try my best to feel a little more connected with myself. I like to believe that as humans of the 21st century, we are very over-stimulated. I think we all should shut up, sit on some grass, and be calm. 

I am also making a conscious decision to not increase my digital (social media) footprint for a few months (only on Instagram). Posting on Instagram is feeling pointless, attention-seeking, and hollow every single day. I know that no one REALLY cares, but I would love to not be on the internet for a while. I know, I am quite a hypocrite to say this because I have a blog, a podcast, and a YouTube Channel, all public to people on the internet. But to say the least, I don't wish to be visible for a while, in the Instagram eye. (I while, although put episodes out on my podcast, LOL)

I was also wondering how much should a person be put on a pedestal? You know, like how much should I depend on a person to understand me, or comfort me? I always ask myself if I am expecting too much, asking for too much, or not asking at all. But I don't think I am asking too much. But why should I depend on other people to make me feel better? Or should I not depend at all? But then what's the point of developing relations, friendships, and connections? This is one of those conversations, that happens in your head all the time, but you just never address it.

my 12 pm iced coffee is slowly losing its cool

it's gaining heating like my head

as the weather gets sticky and dry

the days go slower as they pass by

I once again find myself

in a place, I fear the most

guess it's called one of the labyrinths

a place full of blood rose hyacinths

but all my life isn't that bad

it's a blockbuster film vibe

why do I put myself in these cages

why do I go through these agonizing stages

many times, I sit on one of the benches in my neighborhood park during late evenings and look at the sky. I question each and everything I've done in life and often contemplate life. Just sit. My experiences of understanding people, intimacy, frankness, and acknowledging emotions have been on par these days. It's making me look at a new chapter of life (ew, cringe) and I have been wanting to be on my own for a while, but I also don't want to lose people right now. I just want to take out time for myself. This is because I find myself thinking about the external problems, world, situations, people, and experiences. None of these actually make me feel connected to myself. In other words, Saniya wants to sit and paint for a while (and do things on her own, i guess).

affirmation of the day: I release all blocks that stand between me and my desires.

if you're reading this comment "HOOCHIE SHORTS" LOL because I wish to see how many people would actually do that. It's for humor purposes (trust me). 

thanks for reading.