most days i am a museum of things i want to forget

 "most days i am a museum of things i want to forget."

i think about this quote a lot. it doesn't have any end, to be honest. thinking does not have an end. and as much as i like thinking about quotes, interpreting everything, reading between the lines, understanding people, their actions, the coincidence of their words, observing patterns, noticing behavioral changes, talking about the significance of details (and much more), i also hate to be this person. i really dislike remembering dates i met people, times someone called, lengths of calls every time it affects me. i hate remembering tiny details about people, the chord of the background score of a film, the brushstroke of paintings, the texture of a random nacho i ate, the way i shook someone's hand, and the color of the shirt someone wore a day. 

usually, such details are connected to people, and me remembering these details makes me remember about people. and i dont want to remember people. i don't want my mind to become a big room with a compartmentalized section dedicated to people and how they made me feel, their patterns, their colors, specific dates, timestamps in my head, all of this. it's becoming a museum at this point. why am i a museum of people i met? why am i storing such details within myself? what's the use? what's the point? no one is going to ask me a specific date when i met a person.

why do i remember all this? no one else does. why do i notice these things in such a way that i let them enter my brain? no one else does. why do i connect emotions to everything? no one else does. there's no point to any of this. 

are these the details i remember? is it nice? maybe. but does anyone else care? probably not. does anyone else have a compartmentalized section in their mind for me? probably not. why do i then? what is it about me?

--- thought break---

thinking about grief is so deeply and weirdly awesome? lol, let me explain. the more i think about grief the more i face revelations about myself that were first undisclosed. you know, it's mostly about asking why you do certain things that make you feel a certain way. thinking about times i was hanging with my favorite people but my mind was still stuck on why a certain person did not text me? this is so weird. it makes me not be in the present moment. i should really switch off my phone when i meet friends. 

anyway, i've been thinking about grief, its effects, and its stages. (without grieving) it doesn't have an end, it's only more surprising to me every time i think about it. 

---thought break---

i hope i manage to undo myself as a museum. i hope i am something more happening (subjectively), being an amusement park would be fun. just nerve-wracked people on scary and adrenaline-rushy rides, confetti, neon lights, echoes of laughter, groups of friends, chaos, and absolutely no chill.

writing this made me want to be on a dumb amusement park date like those netflix rom-com films. but finding a date is so exhausting. i like effort, details and surprises. i don't know, should i find a date? should i even think about this right now? 

i think that one never really knows if they ready to date. i don't know and this thought should be for another post. (which isn't coming out anytime soon)

thank you for reading

- by your favorite amusement park

(if you made it this far, i hope u did not. i am cringing thoda lol. in hindsight today was such a nice day. had fun.)

source: pinterest