The Heavy Heart we carry. Not a Rant

cool graphic, made by me

"We have a heart, this muscular organ, pumping blood always working till our last breath,can sometimes make us wonder and question our own thoughts."

a quote by me ,which only looks beautiful because I typed it in italics, i got you there haha.

Hi,um, well I like to start my blog posts by saying, "Hi, I am Saniya, a human, and so are you and as humans we tend to..blah blah" you know. But today and especially today I realized what kind of a shitty person I am. There was an incident which took place in my life like almost 2 months ago, and it was unusual and weird and creepy. But I just let that thought go at that time. It didn't bother me at all.The whole April flew by, that thought didn't come to my mind and it was weird. Because, for a person like me that thing was a little huge,dude. I told that incident to everyone (almost) but not the person i should have. It was always there, in last corner buried inside.

But.

May hit me really badly. As the month started, I experienced  several sleepless nights and overthinking and scary thoughts, because of that incident. I don't know, i have no idea why, it hit me this month that whatever happened with me was insane. No matter what i was doing, that incident kept replaying in my head, it was so bad(for me) and I couldn't bare it. If I am watching a movie, that thought will always be in the back of my head, always.I got weird thoughts, I could feel my headache get worse every time of the day. My heart increased it pace every freaking moment.

You know, it's just so weird that one small incident can just make you go from an all-is-good-person to an over thinker. I didn't know that, something can make you so sleepless, exhausted and lethargic. 

My heart felt heavy and I could feel it. Really.

Then I thought it is time, to tell the person I should've told in the start. Now, that was a challenge,but we are not taking this post there. I told that person(finally) and everything was good. And by good, I mean so relieved.It was so calming and therapeutic.My heart felt lighter, and now I could finally feel better.I didn't confront the person at first(which was clearly a bad decision). My hands are a little shaky as I type this,which is oh so dramatic, but it's okay. 

Now, what do i want you to take away from here? Well, there are situations, where what you think is right, is actually wrong. No. Wait I sound like a pissed therapist who lives in small vintage-y town with an experience of 27 years. Let me frame this my way. Your heart can feel very heavy and it will like dead weight, and that is when you should do what is ACTUALLY CORRECT, and not what you think. Like in my case, it was to tell the person but I DID NOT. This little pumping organ right here that we carry, does not gain weight in real life. It feels heavy. I have this hypothesis thingy (cringe alert!) that whenever we're sad, confused and overthinking, all our feelings and emotions are so concentrated that they don't have space to move around in our body and so they just come and accumulate in our heart, because we people believe that our heart is actually making us feel and whatever( in reality it's psychology and hormones). And therefore. it feels heavy because all your emotions are partying there. You gotta buckle yourself up, do what you gotta do, tell those emotions to not party and leave your heart away. Your heart is a no party zone.

"Your heart feels heavy because your feelings treat it like a club, it's not a club."

By Saniya Sethi

who'll sleep better now.